this is the first time i have ever written in this thing.


so it's been about a week and a half since Trevor died, and it still feels like i just saw him yesterday. it took me so long just to step foot in the funeral home. there was no visitation, so it was the first time i saw his casket. the picture of him looked so great, it brought back so many memories, but at the same time it made it all real. some of his band members talked about him, it was really hard to hear that, but really sweet. burrying him was so hard. everyone went up and put stuff on his casket. stupid fucking me i forgot the picture i drew of him, so i couldnt bury it with him. but maybe its better that i keep it. he also told me for christmas he wanted me to make him a kilt, so i also wish i had been finished it so i could burry that with him. but sadly its not done. even after everyone left the cemetary i stayed to watch them burry him. i just couldnt pull myself away from him. i wish i still lived in hamilton so i could visit him all the time, but then again if i still lived there id probably never leave the cemetary.

its so hard. i would do anything to just get one last kiss from him. to just have him randomly show up at my door at all hours of the night like he always used to and tell me that everything is ok. id give anything to get another one of his 2 am phone calls that he's managed to get himself lost in toronto and needs me to tell him how to find his way back to my apartment.

fuck. i love trevor. more than anythign else in this world, and that will never change. i finally put my whole heart back out there and this happens, its so unfair. he had so many plans for us, and now its all shot to hell. i never want to do anything anymore, i just sit around and think about him and look at pictures of him, nothing really seems to ahve a point anymore. i have no motivation to do anything.

wherever you are Trevy, i love you, i miss you and i hope one day ill get to see you again!

Trevor Elcomb, Jan 3rd 1984- Nov. 17th 2006.